all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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