Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
