Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
