He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
