i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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