I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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