even my farts smell like vagina
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
