I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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