Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
