Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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