I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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