I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Come on in and take your pants off
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