just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
North Korea, Best Korea!
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
