Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
