i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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