It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He passed out mid-signature
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
