FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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