he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Randomize
