I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Randomize
