look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
