i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
