I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
