my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
