She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
