i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
You took a bar mat shot.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
