if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
