I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
