Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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