I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
