census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
