Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
