remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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