I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
