Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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