dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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