you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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