My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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