The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
