I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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