Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
