Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
