I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
