I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I want to fling myself into the sun
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
