Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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