My friends, they love my intelligence
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
