Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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