Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
