Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
