If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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