My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
