Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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