I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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