Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
