'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
