Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
