$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
