I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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