Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
