Can i not drive my cunt home
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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