My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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