literally had 100 drinks last night.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
