My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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