I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
