I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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