Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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