the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
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